Just 2 weeks to June, and your Christmas tree is still up.

Must not have gotten the memo, I see.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, so why not make it last the entire year! Probably the one thing I would have never expected was this.

I mean by late February we are generally hot here. Not a chance of confusing it with the end of December. Take us to mid-May and Summer has long been in control I don’t care what the meteorological calendars say. Christmas is just a tiny speck in the rearview and it’s scorching.

So Imagine my surprise when I spot an 8 foot Christmas tree in the living room. Really? At least it was an artificial tree. Let’s file this under “things that won’t help to sell your house”. We (that is the agent and I) had to move the tree to get the shots of the common areas.

Ok, so we have “Christmas trees in May” on the list. How about “Creepy antique dolls”? Yes!! Different house but damn, those dolls, no matter how collectable and/or valuable they are, those dolls are about one full moon away from a complete demonic possession rampage. 

Their eyes, they keep following me. And I swear that head moved! How about we hide the dolls? Anyone have any holy water? To think that kids used to play with these things long, long ago….

I actually got another professional ass chewing from a seller once because of a doll. Different house. One doll with a very suspicious looking grin was perfectly perched in the middle of the sofa.

Yes, I saw it and carefully moved it for the shot. Then I replaced the stuffed horror when I was done just moments later. Seller saw my shot and raised hell with me for it not being in the picture. He had put that doll there, intentionally, in that exact spot.

Help me to help you…. Don’t you remember the documentary film that came out around 1980 called “Poltergeist”? The clown doll in the movie? Well, sir, your doll reminded me of THAT doll and not just a little bit. And if I thought of it, don’t you think that your potential buyers might also?

Sounds a little petty, and maybe it was. But I do my best to keep detractors out of my listing images. It’s for the sellers because I have no skin in the game. Dolls or not, I get paid for the shoot. Sellers get paid if and when they sell.

And if I remember correctly, he also was pissed that I moved one of those automatic air fresheners from a different room. Yes, I put it right back after, but it didn’t matter, he was just about unhinged.

Oh, so let’s add “air fresheners” to the list too. Tiny, mostly unnoticed. But an air freshener can easily be interpreted as “this house stinks”. It’s almost subliminal, but you have to think about it from a buyer’s perspective.

Next, “Kleenex boxes”. I learned this on my 3rd photo shoot, so we’re talking Spring of 2015. I was nicely asked to re-shoot the master bath because the agent saw one of those boxes in my shot. No biggie. Moved the box and re-shot. But I was curious.

Why those things in particular? The answer was so simple and yet amazingly intuitive. The agent said that to her “Kleenex boxes” make it look like a sick person lives there. And this was way before COVID too. Her explanation made such good sense to me that ever since, I move those things regardless of the listing agent.

“Kitty condos”? Gone! Please, pretty please with sugar on top! It’s hard to believe, but some people are allergic to cats. If they see one of those in your house, the chances of them coming to a showing drop considerably. Can we add “Litter boxes” too?

Oh, and I’m hired to photograph, not move your things. Just saying.

“Guns” or “Gun related stuff”. Can’t have them at all. Again, it’s for the sellers. Because if you see a gun safe, or a gun, or gun stuff, then people who view your listing know that you have it and they now have your address. Oh, and it’s really nice that you have an UZI, but it can’t be in the shot (yes one seller showed me the actual gun - legal as it was, but it can’t be in the shot).

You’re starting to see why I love doing this right? Where else am I going to experience these kinds of things?

“Drugs” or “Drug related” are also on the list of things that won’t help to sell your house. Actually, that depends on the potential buyer. Nevertheless, I don’t want them in my shots. I also don’t touch those because I don’t want my fingerprints on them. And it leaves no doubt that if they wind up missing or misplaced that I had no part in it.

“OK, sir, the pipe isn’t yours. I don’t care who it belongs to and I’m not a cop. Yes, I get it, it’s not yours, even though you’re the only one that lives here and you probably have a medical card. I’m not here to judge, only photograph. Can you please move it, and the ashtray too? Thanks.” Yes, this actually happened.

These are just some of the things that make my photographic life interesting. Corporate shoots? Architectural shoots? The chances of weirdness are much lower on those. Not zero, but much lower in my experience - so far.